Conversations we need to have before we die

4. I’m sorry to tell you this but I browsed through your things, your wallet, your drawers… 

Oh. 

What do you think about that? 

What were you looking for? 

Evidence. 

Clearly. 

The more I find the blurrier you become. 

You think there must be something there because there is so little there. 

I found a poem. I guess about one of your last Chess games.  You sacrificed a bishop and a knight and you killed that king. 

If you say so. 

It could also be that it was your king that got killed. You shifted to 3rd person when the killing started. But the giddiness in your writing… I think you won. 

I think I don’t care. 

You really don’t. I get it.  
I miss something so lost. I don’t even know where to aim to capture this longing. 
I miss  

Don’t cry 

Life is 

Hey, that’s why we play games 

You begged me not to leave you alone today and I did. I wanted to go home and wash my face and eat and write an email but I made some kind of excuse. 

I wouldn’t do better 

You didn’t do better. And yet.  

Don’t cry. I will forget this by tomorrow. 

5. I truly think you’re not a good person.  

Seriously? 

Yes. I think you are a narcissist and mean and easily triggered. 

Is that the closure you wanted? Telling me this? 

Your worst personality traits are responsible for your best performances.  

Like what? 

You were shameless, you had no humility, you were all over the place, didn’t seek approval or feedback but you were somehow exceptionally attuned to the moment.  

In bed. Music is harder to fool. 

You loved me because of my absence. I didn’t ask for anything. Didn’t want anything. Didn’t have moods. Only that one mood. That sadness that goes with everything. 

No. 

Then why did you love me? Name one legitimate reason? 

Because you loved the 2nd movement of the Ravel concerto.  

No. 

No? 

You dragged me to a CD store and you made me buy the Koln Concert. You decided to fall in love with me and then you filled in the blanks. 

Did you not love the Koln Concert? 

You made music sound differently. It was colored by your presence. I don’t even know how the Koln concert sounds without your memory attached.

Life used to be simpler. 

The way you were then. Fucking arrogant but still raw, still soft. Hungry. Life will never be like this anymore. This thought crushes me. I can’t… 

You know what they say… Don’t go looking in space for that which is lost in time. 

I’m not looking. Just mourning. It feels like life is closing on me. Pension. Freezing eggs. Dementia. Rejection. I’m so deeply disappointed with myself and I can’t start over. I run so fast to catch up but I can’t. I’m tired. Weightless. I don’t have the personality it takes. You do. You’re an asshole. 

You have a lot to say. 

Life has become stale. Conversations are stale. We’ve either ‘figured it out’ or quit the game. We have health issues. 

Wow, I caught you on a good day. 

You are a star. 

Well, 

I’m not jealous.  

1. It’s too dark. Your nails. 

I know. What else. 

I’m not sure. But this. This… is very clear. 

Thank you.

Ok. 

You know that feeling when you’re just trying to write something uncensored, and someone is looking at your screen? 

No, I don’t think they’d be that interested in what I do. 

You’re wrong. People are always interested in. Scratch that, 

We’re not deleting today I see. 

We’re not. Perhaps we’re not even punctuating today the whole deal with periods and commas is 

Stream of… 

No. 

Alright so no thinking in syntax but in intonation and melody in inclination shapes and beats  

Or maybe just write minus that punctuation. 

You just hit delete. 

That’s ok no one’s perfect 

Would you tell me something? 

I’ll tell you many things 

Do you love me 

Is that all that matters in the world? Do we always have to talk about looooove 

Well do you? 

I did and once I do I can’t go back so I guess I do 

Do you miss me 

I do. I miss life when you happened to be around. Is that the same? 

I don’t think so 

I miss the abstractness of that time. If Miro painted a picture of that time there wouldn’t be me and you and the stuff of life around us but you would be one filter and I would be another filter. Juxtaposed and we would exist in every anchor like the half circle and that red dot and that line and the other line. That day I stood in front of that painting… I’ve never left. 

So you don’t. You pitied me. 

When you first told me that you loved me I could smell the inevitability of it, as if containing it was bruising you. I felt your love on my skin in the air in the sheets your heart was so open the most open I’d ever seen a heart before.  

Do you remember that bath we took together? 

You wanted me to. You challenged me 

I did. 

And I did. 

You did. 

I remember you liked it 

I was easy to please. You liked it rough too 

Such a cliché of a thing to assume.  

When do you have to head back? 

After I get what I want. 

Isn’t this it 

No this isn’t quite what I imagined this is too dynamic, two-sided conversational comfortable 

Ok I’ll be as quiet as a mouse I will answer your questions and won’t ask for more. 

That night when I didn’t answer the door 

I remember. Sorry 

What were you thinking? Why didn’t you believe I wasn’t home? 

I went to the other side of the building and watched you standing frozen by the kitchen in your thick red pajamas. I couldn’t see your face but I could feel you vibrate you were trying not to move you wanted me to go you didn’t want to answer that door that’s what I was thinking. 

So why that act of trying to rescue me 

You needed company 

But obviously I didn’t 

Didn’t want company.  
I felt this penetrating pain from that other side of the building. You needed to be rescued and I didn’t know how to 

Nice. 

Are you satisfied? 

You always satisfy. You never play. That’s why I fell in love with you. 

I have a little boy. I’m married. 

I know that you don’t have to say that like that I knew that 

Ok so 

This is an experiment this is to clear.. to clean.. to cleanse in fact 

Is it a PhD? 

What? No of course not you know it’s not 

Is it a  

Stop it’s a conversation that just needed to end. Ending the conversation. 

I am not sorry. 

Good for you that is very good 

 

2. You said I did something really well and I felt good about it 

I remember that, it was that play 

That play 

And 

We ended the session and hugged goodbye 

Yes 

And that hug lasted for two hundred years. Time expanded I still don’t know if time expanded for you too or if it was only three seconds that in my head turned into  

I know what you mean 

Wow 

That’s what you wanted to hear from me? Was that the problem? 

I didn’t say there was a problem, there was certainly no problem it was one of the best days of my life. Until it turned into the last day I saw you. 

That’s… 

On purpose please don’t tell me that wasn’t on purpose. 

It got dangerous. 

You think?

You don’t think? 

I never looked at you in that way.

Did you think I was special? 

I thought you were a complicated person with complicated thoughts. All an advantage. 

You always say that but it doesn’t mean much to me 

I’m sorry to hear that. That’s your edge. That’s the only real edge you’ll ever have. 

Thanks. You don’t have to be so rough 

I thought you liked rough 

Excuse me? Were you listening in on the other conversation? 

What else? 

What? 

 

3. I lied. 

It took me so long to realize this but I did. 

It made you happy?

Of course but I wanted to know where the lie ended and your new life began –

..

Congrats by the way

Goes to show 

Yup yup that’s how. Yeah we never know. 

We really don’t. 

Congrats.  

You said congrats. 

Are there other words? 

No no that’s the only word. 

Thank god. 

Do you still? When you

You’ve so not earned that question 

I think you do 

I do of course yes although sometimes she pops up in the middle, and that’s fucking- I mean that makes fucking fucking impossible.